“That’ll be £299.99 including VAT,” said the towering figure of the evil Cashinhandyman. “Or I can knock the VAT off if you pay in cash, like.”
“You’re alright,” said the homeowner. “I have no problem paying full price. I’m a Guardian reader and member of the liberal metropolitan elite and I see paying tax as a moral duty. I think it’s wrong of you to suggest keeping this job off your books, actually.”
This angered the Cashinhandyman. In a flurry of demonic bees, he used the 18 volt Black and Decker hammer drill that had replaced his left hand to drill out both of the homeowner’s’ eyes and all of his teeth. The bees, meanwhile, stanged the homeowner all over the shop.
“AAAAAAAGH”” screamed the homeowner. “YAAAAAARRRGH! My eyes and my teeth! AAAARRRRRRRGGGH! The bees! THE BEES!”
Just as the Cashinhandyman and his herd of bees were finishing off murdering the homeowner, his Nokia 3310 went off.
“Cashinhandyman,” he grumbled down the phone.
“Hello? I need a quote for my guttering.”
“£69.99 including VAT,” muttered the Cashinhandyman. “Or I can do it for less if you pay cash in hand.”
“Oh I don’t know about that. What if I get in trouble with the revenue?”
“Full price it is then.”
The Cashinhandyman climbed into his 2006 Citreon Berlingo that he’d bought from off of a dealer in Bournemouth cash in hand. He would do the guttering for the pre-approved price of £69.99 incl. VAT … AND THEN HIM AND HIS BEES WOULD KILL AGAIN!